A Science-Based Guide to Healthy Conflict in Couples | Tips + Tea Blend
Conflict, it’s everywhere nowadays. We get up in the morning almost immediately to see the conflicting news on our TV or phones. Then there is almost always at least some kind of conflict like road rage or a roadblock during your daily navigation. Maybe you ride the metro to work and overhear and rowdy conversation between two so called “friends.” Soon you arrive at your newer job to find, oh that’s right; more conflict. Annie is in your bosses office getting scrutinized for her latest write up, which you just so happened to be a part of.
Or finally you get through the day of making sandwiches, just as the sun descends beneath the perceived cosmological boundary. Locking up and walking to you car, you stop suddenly to view a so very aggravating conflict. Someone decided to play artist and left scrapes of red paint on your cute blue Focus, and there is no insurance information or 24/7 digital patrol camera to save the day. solemnly, you lug your way home hitting every single stop light. Your energy bar and vitality levels are quite low, and you open the door to be smothered in kisses by your lover. You love them very much, but feel overstimulated and sometimes even angry due to these certain circumstances. How do you navigate that situation respectfully?
Keep reading to learn different methods in navigating these brief squabbles, or as I like to call them ‘Lover’s Quarrels’. New tips and sips to soothe those big emotions during these insightful moments.
~ For educational purposes and learning. These tips and blends are shared for personal. Please do not reproduce or sell commercially. ~
Where are you both at right now?
A Lover’s Quarrel - A brief squabble between a couple, often followed by reconciliation and a renewed sense of connection. However, sometimes there are feelings that tend to linger around.
We all have our different beliefs and systems. Soul-mates, true-love, and commitments can be quite controversial to discuss as we get older. In a relationship, we are challenged with loving someone who has a different personality and maybe some differing opinions. Sure… you can try to get along 24/7, but I can confidently say there are very few (if any at all) relationships without some arguments and two cents. The duration and reason is definitely a big consideration, but the occasional argument over laundry or forgetfulness is very important and honestly healthy. The first step to improving any heated moment or relationship, is really to take a step back.
Personally, I tend to have a really hard time with this. In many quarrels, I get heated and emotional where things can pile up if I let them. After things pile up, I end up communicating primarily with the present and much “bigger” emotions instead of communicating throughout the “smaller” emotions. When I say bigger and smaller, I just mean moments often guided by very high and typically unstable emotions such as fear and anger. Smaller emotions are more like sarcastic remarks and mumbles during those little squabbles and often quicker disagreements. Every relationship is different, and there are very important boundaries to set with each other to stay respectful. It is much harder to navigate these troubles, or know when to find a new direction; if you don’t first step back and get emotionally attuned.
What is EMOTIONAL ATTUNEMENT?
In taking a step back, we can both tune-in and tune-out. We are tuning out any external stressors and environmental distractions so that we can fully tune-in. Tuning-in can look different individually by the ways you achieve your version of success, but often it involves digging into each level of our consciousness.
First you can observe your immediate perceptions and listen to your body. How does your body respond in moments of stress? Do you get tired and shutdown or do you have the extreme urge to angrily clean? Think about the context clues, I am angrily cleaning so why am I angry exactly? Dig even deeper then, where in my body am I holding this anger and why? Do I have any undisclosed desires that are not being met?
All of these questions are very valuable and can help with personal reflections and insight. We cannot change our lover’s, as much as we might wish. In moments of heat we need to remind ourselves that this is who we choose to love, and we cannot change them. We can however change the ways we navigate and respond. We have control over our values are boundaries, and in determining when to leave. What use is it to play the blame game on each other and argue aimlessly, if it has no benefit.
That being said, herbs alone are supportive with emotional attunement but not compensatory to the reflections and insight mentioned. I have included some other fabulous resources and a conversation starter idea! Here is some general information and simple steps outlined:
(1) Ask your lover to sit for a minute and process. Take a deep breath alone. What are you hearing? Stay curious and listen to your breath. Notice your body and reactions as you tune-in to your thoughts. Own your thoughts and assess any judgements. Breath in God’s love for you both and ask for peace. Allow yourselves a short break without strict timing, but set an estimate of time if needed. After you have soothed those bigger emotions, you can come together and try taking a deep breath simultaneously. Inwardly ask, what are you hearing?
To come together and truly understand the purpose of this anger, you need to understand your full perception of it.
(2) Start gentle and loving, stating how much you love and care for your spouse. Perhaps say a prayer together before or after discussing. Ask for grace from your spouse, and take turns speaking and actively listening. Observe efforts and provide feedback or praise. Find the balance between needing a small break, and coming together to connect.
(3) Ask each other if you feel heard. Practice observing you thoughts like this, and you will improve overtime to navigate these moments with more peace and patience. Plan for the next resolution of conflict because it is inevitable as I first stated.
Ideas from ‘A Counselors Guide to Christian Mindfulness’ -> [View Here]
Lets Talk HERBS | LQ Tea Blend
<General Information, Educational Purposes>
Red Clover -> Very nutritive and considered a nervine. Cooling and astringent. Skin and reproductive tonic with estrogenic effects. Contains salycylic acid, vitamins, and minerals ~ 1-2 g
Rose -> A mild nervine tonic and associated with Mother Mary. Sweet and cooling. Also astringent and ever so slightly bitter. Affinity for the heart and blood. Soothes both physical and emotional tension. Tonic to the skin and supportive of immune system. Can boost arousal, especially when combined with Damiana. 1-10g
Damiana -> Another nervine that can be both relaxing or stimulating, depending on each person. Aromatic, Astringent, and general anti-spasmodic. Bitter and warming. Anxiolytic, Mild Laxative and Appetite enhancer with potential for hypoglycemic effects, and some hormonal activity. 1-4g
Lemon Balm -> Delightfully aromatic and antiviral, also immune strengthening. May improve focus and mood with modulation of GABA and better blood circulation. Overall relaxing where stress affects heart and chest. 3-12g
This blend is softening to the heart and soul, but strengthening physically. Each herb plays a part in supporting through stressful situations and helping to lift the spirits.
Welcome!
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How to Use this Tea?
(1) The first step like with many things, is to step back. Ask yourself, where am I at right now? If you are with your lover, where are you at in your relationship? Are things pretty cool and calm, maybe a little too calm and lacking passion? Are you feeling pretty heated and frustrated with each other? After you observe internally, start looking outwards. Do I feel warm or cold right now, dry or oily, etc.
If you are feeling heated, you might enjoy trying this tea as a cold infusion. Simply fill a jar with your herbs (1:5, or 1/4cup herb to 1 cup water). Let the jar sit overnight in your fridge for an extra cool and smooth blend, or on your counter for a bit more mild option. If you find you need a little extra warmth, why don’t you try adding a cinnamon stick!
If you are feeling a bit cold and tense, maybe holding on to more instead of speaking out; test a warm infusion. Are you feeling quite dry? Add a splash of cream to your tea and for the opposite, add a small bit of yarrow or ginger if you have some on hand and feel comfortable doing so!
(2) DECIDE: Figure out what you need in the moment. Personally, I find myself cold more often than not and lean towards a simple warm infusion with some honey.
(3) INFUSE: Fill your vessel of choice with herbs and water and infuse for 5-10 minutes if doing a hot infusion, overnight for cold.
Hot Infusion 4g ~ 1tbsp/8oz water ~ as general guideline ~ Cold Infusion (1:5, or 1/4cup herb to 1 cup water)
(4) PERSONALIZE: After you have let it infuse, simply strain and enjoy. For best benefits, drink 3x throughout the day. Add in cinnamon or honey. Worried about too much dryness or the tannin content, add some cream to help the dryness. I like using a tiny splash of vanilla creamer, it compliments the floral flavor well adding to the softness. If you find this blend too "gentle” for you, amp it up with woody herbs or volatile spices.
The Lover’s Quarrel Collection
Briefly, I want to introduce to you the very purpose of this post. On Monday 01/26/26 I will be officially launching the Lover’s Quarrel Valentines Day Exclusive! This collection is near and dear to my heart, along with this topic of love and conflict. Although valentine’s day is often seen as a day dedicated to couples, it can be a day of love in general. These products are designed with the goal of supporting emotional attunement in various senses. As I continue to grow this small business and work towards shipping options, I would love your support either way. Ways you can do this are
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Find these products at Sprouted Branch & Apotheosis (limited time only). Schedule a consultation for personalized blending tips and gift box planning.
Supportive Activities | GUidelines
Set a timer for 5 minutes a day and work up to 10 throughout a week or so. Sit looking at each other in the eye softly and hold hands. Giggle if you need to, laughter is it’s own medicine. Set a goal to breath deeply together at least 5 times. Continue holding hands and looking each other in the eye. Notice when you feel uncomfortable and help each other stay focused. In fact, set that intention right away to help each other stay on track. Say words of gratitude like “I am thankful God brought you into my life.” End with a nice hug or soothing touch that feels safe until your timer is up.
This help you be vulnerable with each other, building feelings of safety and trust. This can help with increasing healthy intimacy.
Senate Focus Exercise pg. 110 - [A Counselors Guide to Christian Mindfulness]
love more, FIGHT LESS → [Check it out]
Putting it all together
We are in constant fight and controversies with our internal and external environment. Everyday we are exposed to a number of stressors and precursors that can cause us to emotionally react. When we start to react with bigger emotions, we can wind up arguing with our close loved ones. We must not ignore emotional atonement, where we admit or acknowledge our wrongs and work on self-improvement. This is why I suggest taking a deep breath alone first. Practicing emotional attunement can help with listening to your internal and external environment.
With many things in this world; it is about the balance of environments. Learning to notice is the first step, then you work on interpreting. Once you become consistent in observing and practicing your emotions, your discernment gets much clearer. You learn to correctly discern when you need to take a step back, or maybe take a step forward to stand up. The big thing to remember is that you absolutely have control over yourself, but not so much other people. That alone can either bring much peace or chaos to ones soul.
General Check-in’s
As I previously mentioned, it is important you consider various physiological functions and reactions. This post is mostly highlighting our internal environment (thoughts/psych), but it is important we observe how that is connecting to the world around us.
Am I eating a well-balanced diet with variety?
Am I staying hydrated?
Am I promoting circulation with regular physical activity?
Should I limit my substance use? (How could I take steps to start)
How is my sleep?
What are my stress levels?
Other Recipes & Mentioned Resources
Communication Skills: love more, FIGHT LESS → [Purchase Here]
Counselor Guide to Christian Mindfulness → [Purchase Here]
More on Men’s Hormones → [Learn More]
Low Libido and Sex → [Read More]
DBT Workbook → [Purchase Here] > Distress Tolerance Worksheet7/Handout 9; p. 336
**VOTE ON EVENTS FOR 2026** → {Vote Now}
Trusted Source for Herbs & Tinctures → [Purchase Here] & [Apotheosis] < My local supplier and partner.
Find your Flavor FREE Workbook → [Get Freebie]
Fighting Fair: Research based Guide → [Read More]
Herb Dosage Outlines: HerbalReality → [View Here]
This post contains affiliate links. If you click through and make a purchase, I may earn a small commission at no extra cost to you. I only recommend products I truly support and use or just really enjoy. Thank you so much for supporting my small business!
